Thoughts on Fathers Day

Fathers Day is a rather sad time for me. My father had a heart attack and died at age 43 just before my 12th birthday. It took me many years and sessions of therapy to deal with the loss, which I feel I have come to terms with now. I was angry with my mother, rather than being angry with him for leaving me. I didn't cry about his death until years later when I was a freshman in college. I felt the same feelings of abandonment when my ex-husband didn't come home when expected. ("You said you'd always be there and you weren't!" my inner child said.)

He was a funny creative guy who never failed to show his love for me the short years we were together. I was his "first edition" as the little booklet he printed announcing my birth was titled. Though he considered himself just a printer, he was a truly talented graphic designer and writer.

Daddy went into the Navy just after my 3rd birthday in November of 1943 and served until the war was over, returning on leave only a few short times. Almost immediately my mother, brother and I moved to South Carolina to live with my grandparents. That was a very lonely Christmas but Daddy had told me to be a big girl, so I was brave and told no one how sad I was feeling. He died in November, too, so the Christmas season became one with many sad memories. One year I decided I could not face another holiday season with such depression and discussed it with my therapist. I went back to my memories of those early Christmases, vented my anger at my dad and forgave him for leaving me. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and from then on I have had great times at Christmas.

I postponed separating from my "ex" because of the fear of what it would do to our children. Having them live with him after the divorce allowed them to grow up with the father I so sorely had missed. I think the girls are better people for it.

Fathers ARE important. I get really put out with women who decide to be single mothers without realizing how not having one's father around can damage a child. Those women who procreate for their own selfish reasons should not be lauded or rewarded for doing so. Men who sire children with no intention of being fathers to them should be castrated. (So much for today's soap box.)

So on this Fathers Day I go on with my life with memories of a great father who left me too often and too soon. His spirit is still within me.

Happy Fathers Day, Daddy.